The Truth About Who You Are

                                                

I am about to tell you five of the best things about me. 

1. I am giving. I give of myself, my time, and my money to family, friends, and my students. I do more than anyone realizes, behind the scenes, without taking credit. I am the kind of woman who will work a 12 hour day and then come home and make cupcakes for my students just to show them that I care about them. 

2. I am nurturing. I am incredibly patient, caring, kind, and calm. In situations where other teachers would yell at a student, I can keep my cool and speak gently. When others are freaking out, I can remain calm and centered. I am the kind of woman others aspire to be. 

3. I look out for others. Ever since I was a small child, I have been deeply concerned about the needs of others. I made sure that other children were included, especially those who were picked on or left out. As an adult, I continue to stick up for anyone who needs an advocate. I am fiercely protective. 

4. I have the gift of mercy. Although I can be cautious about letting people get close to me, I offer love and acceptance with no strings attached. Where others find an opportunity to judge, I find an opportunity to show compassion.  I can see the pain that dwells behind hatred, anger, and sin. 

5. I give the best hugs in the entire world. 

Confession: I didn’t really make that list.  What I actually did was go to five people (my husband, my co-teacher, my father, my best friend, and my son) and ask them what it is that they like about me. It was a horrendously difficult thing to do. I was embarrassed to ask and embarrassed to hear what they had to say. I had to bite my tongue to keep from denying their words.  

You see, if I had to make a list about myself, if would go something like this:

Fat

Lazy

Self centered

Snarky

Unaccomplished

That’s the self I see. If you talk to most women, I imagine that many of us think of ourselves with very negative words. That is what I hear most of the time when I talk to my friends and co-workers – I hear the negative, the “too busy”, the “not pretty”, the “should have”, the endless apologies for things that are perfectly human. 

It hurts me when I see women of immense value, women with endless talent, women I admire, who cannot see themselves in the light of who they are. I want my friends, my coworkers, the women of my church community, the women in my family – I want them to see what I see and stop talking to and about themselves in such negative terms.  

But…I can’t ask in others what I am not willing to do myself. So, I decided to start by asking what others see in me. I am going to try my best to put fat, lazy, self centered, snarky, and unaccomplished in the garbage where they belong. I am going to look in the mirror and see giving, protective, nurturing, merciful, and affectionate. I am going to accept compliments with grace. I am going to live like I believe that the people who love me do so because they see something in me that is beautiful and worthwhile. 

If I can do it, so can you. Ask the people who know you what they see in you. BELIEVE what they tell you. EMBRACE the amazing person you are. Throw your negative words away and live the truth of who you are.

Confessions from Dorfville

The Truth About Moms

There are certain things that moms are allowed to say. You are allowed to say you are tired – but it needs to be because you are so busy and so awesome that your life can’t keep up with your schedule. You are allowed to make small confessions of failure like “I let my kids eat cake for breakfast this morning” with the underlying understanding that you recognize this as bad parenting, don’t make a habit of it, and are confessing it only to make others realize that you aren’t always Wonder Mom so they won’t hate you for being perfect. 

The list of things you can’t say – things that will get raised eyebrows, whispers behind your back, and banishment from your mom’s group – is far, far longer. I am, personally, sick of having rules about what I can and can’t say about being a mom – it’s stupid and it makes me feel isolated and lonely and not good enough. I bet it makes other moms feel that way, too.  So, here is my truth about being a mom. 

1. Not everyone is excited to get pregnant. I was devastated when we found out we were expecting our first child. We had just gotten married and we had so many things planned: fixing up our house, backpacking across Europe, summer weeks with a schedule that read “eat, sex, sleep, repeat.” I didn't want a baby! I was blessed to have a mom who understood when I called her and burst into disappointed tears. She didn't try to keep me from mourning the loss of the honeymoon years that I had anticipated. Eventually, I was able to come to peace with being pregnant, but it took a few weeks. 

2. Pregnancy is not a glowy, happy, amazing experience for everyone. I hate being pregnant. It sucks. I had thrombocytopenia with my first pregnancy and bleeding for the first five months of my second pregnancy. Both times, my migraines kicked into high gear and didn't respond well to treatment. I never felt a strong connection to the baby in my belly. It was more like being in the movie Aliens, except that somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that it was a baby in there and not the invasive parasite that it felt like when it was attempting to break my ribs, making me puke, and giving me the worst heartburn of my life.  (The moments I saw my sons after their births, I fell madly in love, but that was the first time I really felt a connection to them as people.) 

3.  I was happier before I had children. Studies show that this is true for most people, but the moms I have tried to talk to about it have been horrified by the idea – as if it bears the subtle suggestion that admitting it is like saying you don’t love your children and wish they had never been born. That’s not it. Of course I love my kids, and of course I wouldn’t want to do away with them (it is my worst fear, like most moms, that something bad will happen to them). But the truth is that I was less stressed, got more sleep, felt more intellectual, and had more fun before my kids were born. Now, I am more patient, connected to the world in a deeper way, more spiritual, and I have learned things about the world that have opened my ignorant eyes. But I am not as happy. Which leads to the next one…

4. Sometimes I wish I didn't have children. Not every day, not obsessively. But, there are moments when I leave work after a day from Hell and I just wish I could come home, put on my pjs, and snuggle up quietly on the couch. Instead, I have to wrestle a two year old into the car in the babysitter’s driveway, deal with the fit he throws when I take him home instead of Chuck E Cheese, help a 6 year old with homework he doesn't want to do,  make sure the karate gi is clean for the next day, pay the cafeteria account…you get the picture. In those moments, I sometimes think, “Why did we do this whole parent thing again? This was not a good idea.”  

5. Having kids has messed up my sex life. Guys get all of the attention on this one. Oh, your wife doesn't pay attention to you because you have kids. You feel envious of your childless dude friends who are still getting some. Well, guess what? I LIKED SEX TOO! That’s kind of how we got into this whole parenthood thing in the first place. I liked spending all weekend naked in bed, I liked having a drawer full of lingerie that actually got worn, I liked foreplay that lasts for hours. I hate that my mommy brain can’t handle sex and diapers, foreplay and urine soaked sheets, Victoria Secret and bath time. It just can’t make it de-stress from work, mommyhood, and to do lists to having fun in bed, especially when we don’t get in bed until 11:00 because we were working on the Mt. Everest size pile of laundry in the living room after finally getting our sons to agree to fall asleep. 

6. Playing with children can be boring. I don’t like playing Batman. Or reading TMNT The Revenge of the Krang for the 14^th time.  Or school carnivals. 

7. Parenthood would be a lot easier if I was allowed to say all of this stuff out loud. And if some other mom would just say. “Yes, I feel that way too sometimes. You are not alone. And you are still a good mom.”